i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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