I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
