She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
it was like eating out sand paper
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
