Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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