My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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