a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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