What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
