Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
