dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
