She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
they call him Oral-B. enough said
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
