I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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