I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
