Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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