She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Farmville is her only friend.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
