it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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