maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
