I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Randomize
