you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
