I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
