You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
