The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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