im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
