I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
