He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
