she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
