Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
