I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Come back. Shots need mouths.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
