And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
