Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
