but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
...so i touched it.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
