He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
