You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
