After last night, I could never be a politician.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
