I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
