the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
