plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
