i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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