I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
