I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
