Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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