my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
