EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
cat food counts as protein by the way
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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