When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
