So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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