STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
