new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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