youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
