and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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