Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
