I cannot find my penis.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
