It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
